sTaR wARs ePIsOde IX pOsTEr ReVIeW!!!

Ladies and Gentlegeonosians, its that time of year again! That’s right, the Star Wars hype train is back, and now we’ve got this DOPE new poster from the highly anticipated Star Wars Episode IX to review! Was it just a grainy concept image meant exclusively for Disney shareholders? Yes, but dammit we’ve got to exploit every ounce of Star Wars that we can. So lets just jump into it!!

First, OH. MY. GOD. Wow. Those RED Stormtroopers, that is incredible. Its like we have Snoke’s guards blended with First Order Stormtroopers to make mega-warriors that’ll undoubtedly cause loads of trouble for Rey, Finn, and Poe. Wait, Look! See that extra split down the middle of their helmets?? It looks like director J.J. Abrams is paying homage to the Original Trilogy by incorporating designs from the Clones! Man, am I excited to see how this talented director will tie in the entire Star Wars saga into a beautiful conclusion that references the old and new alike.

Ok we NEED to talk about Kylo Ren’s helmet. The man is a strait SAVAGE and he knows it, which is why it looks like he’s re-forged his helmet which he destroyed in The Last Jedi. How did he do it? Did he glue it with a Kyber Crystal composite? Did he polish it with Woodoo hide? I can only expect that J.J. Abrams will give us an AMAZING explanation for how this crazy feat was achieved.

HOLY CRAP. THE KNIGHTS OF REN!!! We finally get to see them after that trash-boy Rian Johnson completely left them out of The Last Jedi. I can only imagine just how detailed of backstories we’ll get for each of them. Man, that would add a TON of depth to this franchise.

And look at C-3P0 with Chewbacca’s bowcaster, ready for action! Seeing his head get welded onto a Battle Droid in Episode II and start shooting stormtroopers was HILARIOUS and one of my absolute favorite moments in The Prequels, so I cannot WAIT to see him kick some serious First Order a$$ in this final installment.

Look at that alien in the upper left of Finn. Man, he looks HILARIOUS!! I’m sure he’ll play a major role in making families laugh in the theaters. I certainly hope so. I also like Finn’s new hair.

Rey is BACK everyone, and wow, look at her expression, it looks like she’s found peace and strength in The Force. I can only imagine what kind of Force powers she’ll possess. Maybe she can move planets. Maybe she learns how to bring people back from the dead and resurrects Luke! I can only hope… **deep sigh** Looks like she’s also re-forged Anakin’s broken lightsaber. I mean pffft why would you build a new one when you can just fix the old one? One thing’s for certain: I am absolutely going to buy the Episode IX Rey’s Master Replica Force FX Exclusive Lightsaber with Integrated Soundboard and Phased LED Light Effects when it’s released on Force Friday.

Ok ok ok I get it, I’m digging A LITTLE too deep. Sorry, I can’t help it, after all, I am a Star Wars nerd. If it’s Star Wars, I will pay for it. I don’t care if it’s a ticket to an anthology movie with a 26% Rotten Tomatoes score, or a Jabba The Hutt bath bomb. See after all, it’s all about THE CULTURE and THE EXPERIENCE. Star Wars is not a series, it’s a FAMILY.

Needless to say, y’all can find me waiting for 36 hours in line for best seats in the house at the Episode IX premier.