So, I was mildly interested in this one. It’s a Rob Zombie remake of the original TV series, and even though it looked trashy, I thought, ‘maybe it’ll be entertaining trash’. Unfortunately, the film is not funny. It didn’t even pass my ten-minute rule: if I can’t make it ten minutes into the film without wanting to slit my wrists, I stop watching it.
I’ll even give a pass on the low-production value, because that honestly doesn’t bother me. But the writing is god-awful. The ‘jokes’ are eye-rolling, lowest-common-demoninational, and didn’t once make me laugh. I really tried to shut my brain off, goodly and truly, but holy hell this was cringe. In the words of Hartigan from Sin City – the characters had delusions of eloquence. More accurately, delusions of being funny.
I pretty much gave up right after a scene where two ‘monsters’ were on a date, talking about how much they liked plagues and rats. GET IT?? BECAUSE THEY HAVE INTERESTS AND PETS LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE EXCEPT FOR THEM IT’S SPOOKY AND DARK BUT THEY PASS IT OFF AS NORMAL BEHAVIOR, HOW IRONIC AHAHAHAHA PASS THE BEER HAROLD, WAIT OMG THAT VAMPIRE JUST WOKE UP FROM HIS CRYPT BUT THEN COMPLAINED ABOUT HIS BAD BACK, I HAVE A BAD BACK TOO, I GUESS EVEN VAMPIRES HAVE BAD BACKS LOLOLOL, HAROLD WE GOTTA PUT UP OUR HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS TONIGHT, HOLY SHIT THE MONSTER IS TAKING A PHOTO WITH A ZOMBIE LIKE HE CAUGHT A FISH, HOW SUBVERSIVE BUT ALSO RELATABLE BECAUSE I TOO EXPERIENCE THE AWKWARDNESS OF TRYING TO TAKE GOOD PHOTOS OF THINGS I JUST KILLED, HAROLD WE SHOULD MOVE OUT OF OUR TRAILER AT SOME POINT AND GET AN ACTUAL LIFE AND NOT JUST VALIDATE OUR MEDIOCRITY BY RELATING TO UNFUNNY TRASHY MONSTERS ON NETFLIX.
That was uncalled for. Lower-class white America, I owe you an apology. So does Rob Zombie.
Rating: Don’t Bother / 10
Oh yeah, I also saw Bros. It’s pretty gay.
